10 Ways to Know You Facebook Too Much

Has Facebook Become Your Life?

Facebook is a great way to pass the time. It's a great way to communicate with friends. For many, it has replaced email. There are games galore to play. You can spend your whole day on Facebook. And some do. And that's when a hobby devolves into something sinister and potentially dangerous. Let me help you. If you've gone over-the-edge with Facebook, you need to know. If you've done any of the things listed below, beware. You could be in trouble.

If you do any of these 10 things on Facebook, it's time to rethink your life priorities.

1. You've sent a status update from a mobile phone while driving. You know this is dangerous, right? I've seen estimates that talking on a phone while driving is the equivalent of being drunk in terms of accident statistics. Texting must cause ten times the number of accidents. Then there's actually trying to engage with your facebook status and update it at the same time while in a moving vehicle. If this is you, you have a disorder of some type. If you've done this with another person in the car, you can use a multiplying factor of 5 for your level of stupidity. If you've done it with one of your own children in the car, multiply by a factor of 10.
2. You have been arrested or detained by air marshals for verbally berating a stewardess for her airline's like of in-flight wifi. Some of us can't go very long away from our cell phones. Others of us start to have withdrawal symptoms when we're away from our email. But if you've actually gone over-the-edge and taken your lack of facebook access out on a stewardess or some other travel personnel, you've lost your sense of decency. Facebook owns you.
3. You have left a status update similar to or exactly like any of the following: "Eating dinner", "Watching the kids", "Making love to my wife", "Getting a rectal exam", "Driving", "Walking across the street".Please look closely at these status updates. If your status update reads "eating dinner" then you are not eating dinner nor are you engaging with the people at the table (unless you live alone, which is sad). If you are "watching the kids" then you are not watching the kids. If you are "making love to my wife" then you are doing it really badly. If you are "getting a rectal exam", trust me, nobody wants to know. If you are "driving" then you are dangerous. If you are "walking across the street", you are apt to be the next Darwin Award recipient.
4. You have received a written warning at work for the amount of time you spend on Facebook.Okay, so you're actually jeopardizing your employment so you can spend time on Facebook. This might be your signal that you have your priorities screwed up just a little bit.
5. You have friended any of the following: your boss, your doctor, your bus driver, some guy who waited on you at a restaurant once, your priest, your high school nemesis, that girl you had a crush on in elementary school, one of your kid's friends or your parent's friends who are not technically your friend. Aside from the fact that you are putting way too much stock in how many Facebook friends you have, you may also need to come to the realization that you are in desperate need of some attention. There are so many reasons never to friend any of these people, but for some reason, you just couldn't resist.
6. You have checked Facebook while on the toilet.Okay, I know how some of you are going to answer this question and my answer to your answer is this: more fiber.
7. You have actually had a dream about being on Facebook.This is like having a dream about watching paint dry or mowing the lawn. Having dreams about mundane things means you have no imagination whatsoever and there's a giant hole in your life the size of Wisconsin. I mean, Facebook is exciting to your unconscious? You could be having sex with Emily Watson or Jennifer Aniston or George Clooney or Justin Bieber or all four of them at once.
8. You have done these things simultaneously: facebooking with somebody while speaking to them on the phone or facebooking with somebody while actually speaking to them in person.You have taken impersonal human interaction to a whole new level.
9. You have interrupted any one of the following because you just had to log-in to Facebook: a phone conversation, an in-person conversation, an appointment, dinner, sleep, sex. If you didn't thinkAttention Deficit Disorder was a problem, you should now. You at least need to see a therapist about this and probably need to be medicated. Consider yourself lucky to be able to get up and get dressed in the morning. Seriously, you're in the same psychiatric disorder family as hoarders. HOARDERS!
10. You use "facebook" as a verb. First of all, facebooking is simply too broad a term to really describe anything, but if you've started saying things like "I was facebooking the other day" you have crossed some kind of existential boundary. When was the last time you were outside? You desperately need a life - a real life, not a virtual one.